I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
