is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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