I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize