Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
