There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
