I am puke
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize