i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize