I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
