i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
