dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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