In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize