Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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