my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize