I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize