and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
