i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
