He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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