tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize