She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
