Nicole vs. Life
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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