Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
