There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize