please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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