Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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