two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
