TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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