Whats the glycemic index on semen?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
