She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize