Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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