I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
