First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
