i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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