if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize