Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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