and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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