from now on my penis is your penis
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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