so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
