i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
