i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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