You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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