Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize