I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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