I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
