Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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