even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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