I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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