my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
