my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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