He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
