so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize