there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
