Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
