ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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