i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
