my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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