I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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