Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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