so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it because I queefed?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
