Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
