I hope mine doesn't look like that
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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