I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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